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X Files Episodes

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Small Potatoes 4 x 20
Episode: Small Potatoes   Episode Number: 4x20   Tagline: The Truth is Out There


Nurse: "Is he from out of state?"
Amanda: "Another planet." ---

Doctor: "Good lord. Not another one." (Baby with tail) ---

Scully: "So what else about this interests you? Could it be . . . uhm, visitors from space?" ---

Amanda: "He dropped by my apartment one day and . . . one thing sorta led to another."
Mulder: "But the baby's father is an alien."
Amanda: "No, no, I didn't say he was an alien. I said he's from another planet. His name is Luke Skywalker. He's what is known as a jedi knight."
(Mulder looks at Scully) Scully: (Smiling) "Did he have a light sabre?"
Amanda: "No, he didn't bring it. He did sing his song for me though." (hums the theme to Star Wars)
Scully: "How many times have you seen Star Wars, Amanda?"
Amanda: "368. I should break 400 by Memorial Day."
Scully: (Thinking this a great Mulder jest) " 'Kay. Thank you." (Mulder leaves)
Amanda: "Oh, wait a minute. Wait. You know these . . . these four other babies that were . . . born around here with tails?" Scully: "Uh huh."
Amanda: "There couldn't be any chance . . . Luke's the father, is there?" ---

Mulder: "Take your best shot, Scully. But I think there's a lot more going on here than Luke Skywalker and his light sabre."
Scully: "I think you're right, Mulder." (He's shocked) ---

Mulder: "How would this happen?"
Scully: "Birds and the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder."
Mulder: "Birds do it, bees do it, even educated MDs do it." ---

Mulder: "So much for not putting all your eggs in one basket." ---

Fred: "Baboo, look, just let me do the talking, okay? I'll handle it."
Baboo: "Just tell him we're gonna sue."
(To Mulder and Scully who are arriving) Fred: "Ah, you too huh?" ---

Hubby 1: "What the hell happened to my sperm?"
Hubby 2: "Yeah, mine too!"
Hubby 1: "Whose sperm did you use?"
Fred: "It's bad enough having a boy with a tail, then you find out it's not even yours!" ---

Fred: "For god's sake, Alton, how many of us are there?" (Regarding Mulder & Scully) ---

Baboo: "I haven't been with a man since 1989! I mean not counting you, honey." ---

Mulder: "Hey Scully, check it out." (Pulls down pants of Blundth to reveal old tail mark.)
Baboo: "That's him? He's the one?"
Scully: "Five out of five." ---

Mulder: "Oh, so you're saying there was romance involved."
Blundth: "Why is that so hard to believe? Just cause I was born with a tail no woman would want me? Maybe I got personality. Ever think of that?" ---

Mulder: "Well, if you're waiting for my usual theory as to what's going on, I don't have it." ---

Mulder: "Yeah, but when and where would he have had the opportunity to 'slip it to them'?" ---

Mulder: "These women don't look like the type who do a lot of solo drinking." ---

Mulder: "Have a theory, if you want to hear it."
Scully: "Van Blundth somehow physically transformed into his captor then walked out the door leaving no one the wiser?" Mulder: "Scully, should we be picking out china patterns or what?!?" ---

Scully: "But what are you saying? That . . . that . . . Van Blundth is an alien?"
Mulder: "Not unless they have trailer parks in space." ---

Mulder: "Hey Scully. If you could be somebody else for a say who would it be?"
Scully: "Hopefully myself."
Mulder:" That's so . . . boring."
Scully: "All right then, Eleanor Roosevelt."
Mulder: (Cringing) "Aiee! Can't be a dead person."
Scully: "Why the hell not?"
Mulder: "Because . . ." ---

Mulder: "Is this you?" (Motioning to tailed man circus poster)
Eddie: "One and the same! (Starts pulling pants down) Hey, ya wanna see?"
Scully: "No no, no thank you." ---

Mulder: (After Eddie bolts and disappears) "Pretty spry for an old man, eh?" ---

Blundth: (In bathroom after impersonating Fred) "Uh, I'll explain later. Just give me a little privacy, okay? (Remembers) Baboo?"
Baboo: "Okay. Sugar-patootie." ---

Mulder: (Opens hatch, desiccated old man falls out.) "Not so spry. You think the fall killed him?" ---

Mulder: (Enters, sees Scully cutting with bone saw, covers up his coffee) "So what killed Eddie the Monkey Man?" ---

Amanda: "You know, I thought they would let me stay so long in the hospital because I had such really really great insurance. Turns out they're just keeping me because they think I'm sorta crazy. (Lets out a sorta crazy laugh) They want to make sure I'm safe around my baby."
"Mulder": "Free cable . . ." ---

Amanda: (Referring to VanBlundth) "Well, he was no Luke, that's for sure." ---

"Mulder": "That's official FBI business." ---

Mulder: "I was just here. Where did I go?" ---

"Mulder": "I think the only thing here is . . . small potatoes." ---

Skinner: "You spelled Federal Bureau of Intelligence wrong."
"Mulder": "It's a typo."
Skinner: "Twice." ---

"Mulder": (Looking at name plaque) "'Fox'? Brother . . ." (Then sits down, puts feet up, falls over) ---

"Mulder": "Good night! This is where my tax dollars go? Where do I live?" (Looks on badge, then in wallet) ---

"Mulder": (Looking around) "Where the hell do I sleep?" ---

("Mulder" plays back the messages on the answering machine.)
Langly: "Mulder, Langly. You gotta see this! An online associate of ours who shall remain anonymous has figured out a way to digitize the Zapruder footage so he can extrapolate a bird's eye view of the Dealy Plaza at the exact moment of the assassination. And you'll never believe where the third shot came from!"
Frohike: "Tell him about the cheese steaks!"
Langly: "Oh, yeah, and Frohike, Byers and I are goin' out for cheese steaks. Are you down with that? Uh, erase this once you hear it."
"Mulder": "Geeks for friends . . ."
"Mulder": (Flashing badge) "FBI. F . . B . . I . ." (notices badge is upside down and rights it) FBI. You lookin' at me? (Looks around) There ain't nobody else here, you must be lookin' at me. (Reveals gun) You want a piece of this? (Draws gun and drops clip on floor. Picks it up, tries to insert backwards then gets it right. Puts gun back in holster and straightens himself out) You're a damn good lookin' man." ---

(Fire, soft music in Scully's apartment)
Scully: "Well, I'm seeing a whole new side to you, Mulder."
"Mulder": "Is that a good thing?"
Scully: "I like it." (He pulls in for a kiss . . . and . . . Mulder breaks in. Scully turns, wide eyed looks from Mulder to "Mulder". Freaks, bounces away off couch. "Mulder" melds into Van Blundth.) ---

Mulder: "What's with the hat" (baseball cap that says 'Superstar!')
Van Blundth: "My court appointed therapist makes me wear it. She says it's meant to bolster my self-esteem."
Mulder: "Does it?"
Van Blundth: "Not really. The other inmates just beat me up and take it from me, which would be okay except every week she brings me a new HAT! Plus they keep me on some kind of muscle relaxant so I . . . I can't make faces the way I used to. Did you tell them to do that? (No answer) Is uh, is Agent SCULLY here???"
Mulder: "What did you want to talk to me about, Eddie."
Van Blundth: "I just think it's funny. I was born a loser but you're one by choice."
Mulder: "On what do you base that astute assessment?"
Van Blundth: "Experience. You should live a little. Treat yourself. God knows I would, if I were you." ---

Scully: "I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder. But you're not a loser."
Mulder: "Yeah, but I'm no Eddie Van Blundth either. Am I?"

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