QUOTES

Morris: (voice-over) Once upon a time, there was a guy with the improbable name of Fox Mulder. He started out life happily enough, as these things go. He had parents who loved him, a cute kid sister. He had a roof over his head, got all his flu shots, had all his fingers and toes and aside from being stuck with the name "Fox" which probably taught him how to fight -- or not -- he pretty much led a normal life. But the worst thing by far -- the biggest kick in the slacks this kid Fox ever got-- was what happened to his sister. One day, she just disappeared. Now, Fox buckled down and worked his butt off. Graduated top of his class at Oxford then top of his class at the FBI academy. None of that hard work made up for his sister, though. It was just a way of putting her out of his mind. Finally, the way I figure it, he went out of his mind and he's been that way ever since. Fox Mulder pissed away a brilliant career, lost the respect of supervisors and friends and now lives his life shaking his fist at the sky and muttering about conspiracies to anyone who will listen. If you ask me, he's one step away from pushing a baby carriage filled with tin cans down the street. But now, all that's going to change. ---

Morris (as Mulder): No, no, no. Up, up... Whew. (golf ball goes in) I am Tiger Woods. ---

(Morris goes over to a closed door. He tries to open it. Nothing happens. He tries again. Nothing. He pulls really hard. The door pops open and several boxes and porno magazines fall out.)
Morris (as Mulder): This guy hasn't been laid in ten years. ---

Joanne Fletcher: I've heard enough from you for one lifetime, Morris. Go tell it to that tramp of yours, that Scully, whatshername.
Mulder (as Morris): Dana Scully - Special Agent Dana Scully.
Joanne Fletcher: Special Tramp Dana Scully. ---

Mulder (as Morris): My name is not Morris Fletcher. It's Fox Mulder. Special Agent Fox Mulder with the FBI. Dana Scully is my FBI partner. I am not your husband, we are not married, we are complete strangers and I have a whole other life that I'm desperately trying to get back to.
Joanne Fletcher: You know, Morris, most men when they have a mid-life crisis they go out and buy themselves a sports car. They don't run around calling themselves Fox. ---

(Overhead mirror shot of Morris as Mulder laughing and handing Scully a champagne glass on the waterbed.)
Scully: Do you know what would really be fun?
Morris (as Mulder): What? (She dangles her handcuffs in front of him.)
Morris (as Mulder): Oh, yeah. Me first?
Scully: You first. (Morris takes the handcuffs and puts one end on his left wrist and the other around the bedpost.)
Morris (as Mulder): (shy) First time. Now what?
(Turns in anticipation back to Scully. His look quickly turns to panic when he sees her pointing her gun at him.)
Scully: You're not Mulder.
Morris (as Mulder): What? (Champagne bottle still in his lap pops open.)
Morris (as Mulder): Baby . . .
Scully: (aiming a little lower) "Baby" me and you'll be peeing through a catheter. ---

Morris (as Mulder): As far as I'm concerned this thing is a gift from heaven. Besides, no one is ever going to believe you so you might as well just get used to me being here.
Scully: Or I just shoot you... Baby. ---

Morris (as Mulder): Can't we start over? You know, do that thing with the handcuffs? (Scully holds up and cocks her gun.) Morris (as Mulder): Probably not your scene. ---

Mulder (as Morris): I guess I make a lousy husband. ---

Langly: Mmm. More huevos rancheros.
Frohike: Mas huevos rancheros.
Byers: Por favor. ---

Byers: (to Morris) Where did you get this?
Scully: Groom Lake. Outside Area 51.
Frohike: Dreamland.
Langly: The Aurora spy plane. ---

Scully: . . . Mulder, if we were . . . If we were off . . . If the event were off by even one millisecond . . .
Mulder (as Morris):I might wind up with my head in a rock.
Scully: Something like that, yeah. (Long pause.)
Mulder (as Morris): What about him? I mean, me. Whatever. Whoever he is.
Scully: Agent Mulder has become AD Kersh's new golden boy. He's been tasked with returning the flight data recorder that he and I stole. The son of a bitch confesses to Kersh even more than I do to my priest. I'm just tagging along for the ride.
Mulder (as Morris): What do you mean, "just tagging along"?
Scully: I'm out of the Bureau. I've been censured and relieved of my position.
Mulder (as Morris): No. You can explain it to them like you explained it to me. You have the data. You can make them understand. You can get your job back. (Scully looks at him with affection. His response is completely different from Morris' fake sympathy when she told him.)
Scully: I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly.
(Mulder smiles at her and nods. Morris honks the horn at them.)
Morris (as Mulder): (yelling out the window) Take a picture-- it'll last longer.
(Mulder and Scully pause a moment as they look over at the car.)
Mulder (as Morris): (through clenched teeth) If I . . . shoot him is that murder or suicide?
Scully: Neither, if I do it first.---

Scully: (to Mulder) I have to talk to you alone.
Joanne Fletcher: (to Scully) Homewrecker! ---

Morris (as Mulder): So this is time snapping back?
Mulder (as Morris): It'll be like the last few days never happened. You won't remember any of this.
Morris (as Mulder): Oh. Well, in that case, Dana... It's been real.
(Morris slaps Scully on the butt. Mulder glares at him. )

Scully: (on phone) Good night.
Mulder: (on phone) Hey, Scully? I, uh, know it's not your normal life, but . . . Thanks for coming out there with me.
Scully: (on phone) You're welcome.