Episode: Hollywood A.D. Episode Number: 7x19 Tagline: The Truth is Out There
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus
bowl and I'll give you Scully.
Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead-- still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die. ---
Zombie: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want to go back
to being dead. There's no food no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and
we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new King
of the Dead.
in a coffin.) Tea Leoni as Scully: Is that your flashlight, Mulder,
or . . . you just happy to be lying on top of me?
Shandling as Mulder: You know, seven long years I've been waiting for
just the right moment, Scully
Wayne Federman: She: Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget. He's like A . . . Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's "Witness." ---
Sir, who the hell is this guy?
Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't want to eat your lunch. I'm just here
for some procedural flavor-- just a taste.
Federman: Well, the Skinman's filled me in on your particular bent. He said that you come at things maybe a little fahkatke, a little Star Trekky, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing. It's . . . Beautiful, and I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly Heisenbergian-- like a hologram. ---
Mulder: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal? ---
Federman: Just curious if she's more than your partner.
Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an attempt
on your life?
Mulder: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just
the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
Federman: How about the Shroud of Turin?
Mulder: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico. That's my Holy
Federman: Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?
Mulder, we should have a warrant.
Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks like
Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Scully: Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the paper
prematurely. It's a . . . it's a forger's trick.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. (Mulder
glares at him. )
Federman: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns. ---
Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were
playing tricks on you and you've been influenced by ghost stories and
horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards and you hallucinated
this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
Well, I have got my flavor here, so I appreciate all your help. I've
got a movie to write.
Scully: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan--
we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories
all the time.
Mulder: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at Catholic school. It's a lie. ---
O’Fallon: Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
Federman: Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?
Mulder: How about Richard Gere?
Hey, who's . . . well, then who's going to play Skinner in the movie?
Skinner: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy
. . .
Skinner: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy
expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're
as proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder
case where the victim was still alive and healthy.
Mulder: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head. ---
Micah Hoffman: There I was totally bumming after Altamont, and I thought
throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become
a forger of scandalous religious documents.
Mulder: Yeah. It's the Ed Wood investigative method. This movie (Plan
Nine From Outer Space)is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that
it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain
to make associo-poetic leaps and I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon.
How there's this archetypal relationship like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's
Judas or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor,
or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St. Paul.
Scully: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus
Mulder: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year. ---
You know, Scully, we've got four weeks probation vacation and nothing
to do and Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.A. to watch his movie
being filmed and God knows I could use a little sunshine.
Tea Leoni (to Scully): Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to run in these things. Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or something?) ---
Garry Shandling: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you something?
Uh . . . I guess mostly to the left.
Zombie: What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea
Leoni's shoulder made out of?
(In the hotel, Scully is in a bubble bath. She is drinking a glass of
red wine and is on the phone.)
the phone): Well, that's because people can't really come back from
the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of
our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are
who we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can
only kill and eat.
the phone): Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard
on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.
Mulder: Uh . . . So what are you up to right now, sir?
Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
(Passionate kissing goes on and on.)
Mulder: They got it so wrong, Scully. ---
Mulder: Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful
people and now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie.
The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking
Pontiff." How silly is that?
Mulder, I have something to confess.