QUOTES

Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.
Red-Haired Woman's voice: Mulder!
Garry Shandling as Mulder: How about this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper. ---

Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead-- still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die. ---

Rational Zombie: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want to go back to being dead. There's no food no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new King of the Dead.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I'd rather serve in Heaven than rule in Hell. ---

(Shut in a coffin.) Tea Leoni as Scully: Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or . . . you just happy to be lying on top of me?
Garry Shandling as Mulder: My flashlight. (In the coffin, Tea Leoni as Scully smiles and shifts position and Garry Shandling as Mulder gasps.)
Garry Shandling as Mulder: Oh, that. ---

Garry Shandling as Mulder: You know, seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully
. Tea Leoni as Scully: Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder. Go on.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or . . .
Tea Leoni as Scully: Bees. ---

Wayne Federman: She: Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget. He's like A . . . Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's "Witness." ---

Mulder: Sir, who the hell is this guy?
Skinner: This is Wayne Federman. He's an old buddy of mine from college. He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on an FBI-based movie. He's asked me to give him access.
Scully: A screenwriter?
Federman: It's actually . . . It's a writer/producer.
Mulder: Well, that's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain in the neck. ---

Federman: Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't want to eat your lunch. I'm just here for some procedural flavor-- just a taste.
Mulder: I've no idea what you just said. ---

Federman: Well, the Skinman's filled me in on your particular bent. He said that you come at things maybe a little fahkatke, a little Star Trekky, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing. It's . . . Beautiful, and I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly Heisenbergian-- like a hologram. ---

Mulder: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal? ---

Federman: Just curious if she's more than your partner.
Mulder: Enough, Wayne.
Federman: Hey, whatever. ---

Mulder: Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life?
Cardnial O’Fallon: The church always has enemies, Agent Mulder. ---

Mulder: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
O’Fallon: Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics . . . documents that we store down there in the cold. We like to think of it as God's Refrigerator.
Federman: That's a great line.
O’Fallon: Thank you.
Federman: (into his tape recorder) "God's Refrigerator."
Mulder: Wayne, shut up. ---

Federman: How about the Shroud of Turin?
O’Fallon: No, afraid not, but we do have the Bathrobe of St. Peter.
Federman: You're kidding.
O’Fallon: Yes, I am.
Federman: That's a good line.
O’Fallon: Thank you.
Mulder: Wayne . . . Shut up. ---

Mulder: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico. That's my Holy Trinity, Scully.
Scully: Of course, I'm too young to remember but, uh, wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical, like a Jerry Rubin or Mario Savio? ---

Federman: Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?
Mulder: Yeah, right after Altamont. He was never really heard from again.
Federman: Aw, the Stones get blamed for everything. I don't get it. ---

Scully: Mulder, we should have a warrant.
Federman: Hey, it's only the Constitution. No big deal. ---

Scully: Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
Federman: Well, from Dharma bum to Dharma bomb. ---

Scully: Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the paper prematurely. It's a . . . it's a forger's trick.
Federman: Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
Mulder: All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun. ---

Federman: You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. (Mulder glares at him. )
Federman: Don't shoot! ---

Federman: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns. ---

Scully: Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were playing tricks on you and you've been influenced by ghost stories and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards and you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
Federman: No, I didn't hallucinate. That was mechanical or C.G.I.
Mulder: Federman, that wasn't a movie. That was real life.
Federman: The difference being? ---

Federman: Well, I have got my flavor here, so I appreciate all your help. I've got a movie to write.
Mulder: You're leaving? You don't want to get to the bottom of this?
Federman: Not especially.
Mulder: Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
Federman: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper. You want my advice? You're both crazy.
Mulder: Well, why do you say that?
Federman: (to Mulder) Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe. (to Scully) And you're crazy for not believing what he believes. I'll leave you with that. Thank you. (He leaves.)
Mulder: I miss him already. ---

Scully: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan-- we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
Mulder: Twisted sisters, my kind of nun, you know?
Scully: Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say "this is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood, or something. ---

Mulder: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at Catholic school. It's a lie. ---

O’Fallon: Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
Mulder: I'd be doing life if it were, sir. ---

Federman: Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?
Mulder: I'm in the movie?
Federman: Well, it's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation .---

Mulder: How about Richard Gere?
Federman: (laughing)Ho! Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously. What if I said to you the name "Garry Shandling"?
Mulder: Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said "Garry Shandling."
Federman: Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you and Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner, you stud. The movie's called the Lazarus bowl. ---

Mulder: Hey, who's . . . well, then who's going to play Skinner in the movie?
Federman: Richard Gere. ---

Skinner: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy . . .
Scully: Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman. He had Hoffman's I.D. on him . . .
Skinner: Agent Scully . . . if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse do you assume that I slept with J.F.K.? ---

Skinner: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're as proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive and healthy.
Mulder: A bomb went off, a crime's been committed. There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about, O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming and Hoffman, at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
Skinner: Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone and Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away. Best case scenario . . . you get to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon and the church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the Bureau which will feature you two as its sacrificial lambs. As of right now . . . I am forcing you to take a four-week leave effective immediately pending review. ---

Mulder: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head. ---

Micah Hoffman: There I was totally bumming after Altamont, and I thought throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
Mulder: Well, I suppose that's a choice every young gifted American male is faced with. ---

Mulder: Yeah. It's the Ed Wood investigative method. This movie (Plan Nine From Outer Space)is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps and I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon. How there's this archetypal relationship like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor, or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St. Paul.
Scully: How about Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E. Coyote? ---

Scully: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus Christ?
Mulder: Are you making fun of me?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.
Scully: Well, yes, I know that. (They both smile.)
Scully: Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
Mulder: Are you directing that at me? ---

Mulder: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year. ---

Mulder: You know, Scully, we've got four weeks probation vacation and nothing to do and Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.A. to watch his movie being filmed and God knows I could use a little sunshine.
Mulder: Scully . . .
Scully: California, here we come. ---

Tea Leoni (to Scully): Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to run in these things. Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or something?) ---

Garry Shandling: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you something?
Mulder: Sure. Garry Shandling: Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right? ---

Mulder: Uh . . . I guess mostly to the left.
Garry Shandling: "Mostly"?
Mulder: Most of the time
. Garry Shandling: Most of the time. To the left.
Mulder: Mm-hmm.
Garry Shandling: Wardrobe! ---

Zombie: What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
Production Assistant: Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?
Craft Service Girl: Turkey, just like you asked for.
Production Assistant: Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
Zombie: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God! The people are made out of turkey! ---

(In the hotel, Scully is in a bubble bath. She is drinking a glass of red wine and is on the phone.)
Scully: Hey, Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?
Mulder: I'm, uh, working at the, uh, computer. What are you doing?
Scully: I'm, uh, packing. ---

Scully(on the phone): Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
Mulder (also sitting in a buble abth with a beer): Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see, they've just come back from being dead so they're going to do all the things they miss from when they were alive. So, first, they're going to eat, then they're going to drink, then they're going to dance and make love.
Scully: Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
Mulder: Exactly.

Skinner(on the phone): Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.
Mulder: Oh. I appreciate that, Skinman. Skinner: Don't call me that. ---

Mulder: Uh . . . So what are you up to right now, sir?
Skinner: I'm taking a bubble bath. ---

Mulder: Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
Scully: Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.
Mulder: Totally.
Scully: You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
Mulder: Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to have a crush on me.
Scully: I think that Shandling likes you a bit, too.
Mulder: Really? ---

(Passionate kissing goes on and on.)
Tea Leoni as Scully: Wait, wait, Mulder . . . I can't. (Skinner is beaming.)
Garry Shandling as Mulder: I know this feels wrong because we're friends and we treat each other as equals, but . . .
Tea Leoni as Scully: No, no, it's not that. It's not that.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: Well, what then?
Tea Leoni as Scully: I'm in love with Assistant Director Walter Skinner.
Mulder: That's it, Scully, I can't take it anymore.
Scully: Shh, Mulder, sit down.
Garry Shandling as Mulder: What does he have that I don't have?
Tea Leoni as Scully: A bigger flashlight. ---

Mulder: They got it so wrong, Scully. ---

Mulder: Hoffman and O'Fallon were these complicated, flawed, beautiful people and now they'll just be remembered as jokes because of this movie. The character based on O'Fallon is listed in the credits as "Cigarette-Smoking Pontiff." How silly is that?
Scully: Pretty silly.
Mulder: Yeah, what about us? How are we going to be remembered now 'cause of this movie?
Scully: Well, hopefully, the movie will tank.
Mulder: What about all the dead people who are forever silent and can't tell their stories anymore? They're all going to have to rely on Hollywood to show the future how we lived and it'll all become . . . oversimplified and trivialized and Cigarette-Smoking Pontificized and become as plastic and meaningless as this stupid plastic Lazarus Bowl.
Scully: I think the dead are beyond caring what people think about them. Hopefully we can adopt the same attitude. You do know that there aren't real dead people out there, right? That this is a movie set?
Mulder: The dead are everywhere, Scully.
Scully: Well . . . We're alive. And we're relatively young and Skinner was so tickled by the movie . . .
Mulder: I bet he was . . .
Scully: That he has given us a Bureau credit card to use for the evening.---

Scully: Mulder, I have something to confess.
Mulder: What's that?
Scully: I'm in love with Associate Producer Walter Skinner. (They both laugh)
Mulder: Ah . . . Me, too.