(At the funeral after everyone leaves)
Mulder: "I can't wait for the wake." ---
Helm: ". . . it's not a funhouse,
it's a tabernacle of terror."
Sheriff: "It's a funhouse." ---
Mulder: "Tell me, have you done much
circus work in your life?"
Mr Nut: "And what makes you think I've ever spectated a circus? Much
less been enslaved by one?"
Mulder: "I know that many of the citizens here are former circus hands,
and I just thought that. . ."
Mr Nut: "You thought that because I am a person of short stature, that
the only career I could procure for myself would be one confined to
the so-called 'Big Top'. You took one quick look at me, and decided
that you could deduce my entire life. Never did it occur to you that
a person of my height could have possibly obtained a degree in Hotel
Management." Mulder: "I'm sorry. I meant no offense."
Mr Nut: "Well then why should I take offense? Just because it's human
nature to make instantaneous judgements of others based solely upon
their physical appearances? Well I've done the same thing to you, for
example. I've taken in your all - American features, your dour demeanor,
your unimaginative necktie design, and concluded that you work for the
government; an FBI agent . . . but do you see the tragedy here? I have
mistakenly deduced you to a stereotype. A caricature, instead of regarding
you as a specific, unique individual."
Mulder: "But I am an FBI agent." (whips out his badge) ---
Block: "How many people do you know
that can get out of a straight jacket in under 3 minutes?"
Scully: "Fortunately none . . ." ---
Dr. Blockhead: "Did you know that
through the protective Chinese art of Tiea Bu Shan you can train your
testicles to draw up into your abdomen?"
Mulder: "Oh, I'm doing that as we speak." ---
Mulder: "I saw him this morning down
by the river. He was eating a fish."
Dr Blockhead: "He knows eating between-show snacks will ruin his appetite."
Mulder: "I could be mistaken. Maybe it was another bald-headed jigsaw
puzzle tattooed naked guy I saw."
Scully: "Is this man also a body manipulator?"
Dr Blockhead: "No, in the classical sense The Conundrum is a geek."
Mulder: "He eats live animals . . ."
Dr Blockhead: "He eats anything: live animals, dead animals, rocks,
light bulbs, corkscrews, battery cables, cranberries . . ."
Scully: "Human flesh?"
Dr Blockhead: "Only The Conundrum can answer that question. But, he
doesn't answer questions, he merely poses them. When an audience partakes
in The Conundrum's human piranha act, they are left to ask themselves
. . . why? But, where are my manners?" (Offers Scully a cricket-filled
Scully: (Takes one) "Thank you." (Eats cricket, smiles at Mulder then
walks away. Mulder looks shocked, refuses the crickets) ---
(Scully pulls cricket she "ate" from
behind Mulder's ear)
Scully: "It's an old sleight of hand my uncle taught me. He was only
an amateur magician but he was still better than those two."
Mulder: "Well I'm going over to the lab to see if they can test the
blood on the window against the blood on Dr. Blockhead's nail. (Produces
nail from mid-air) "Everybody's uncle's an amateur magician." ---
Mr. Nutt: "I know what you're thinking
my friend, but you're grossly mistaken . . . Just because I'm not of
so-called average height does not mean I must receive my thrills vicariously.
Not all women are attracted to overly tall, lanky men such as yourself.
You'd be surprised how many women find my size intriguingly alluring."
Mulder: "You'd be surprised how many men do as well." (Smiles knowingly)
(Mulder and Scully are caught digging
in Sheriff Hamilton's back yard)
Mulder: "We're exhuming . . . your potato." ---
Mr Nut: "So tell me, Commodore? Why
are the weirdos the only ones that pay their rent checks in advance?"
Scully: "You know, Mulder. For a while
there I was beginning to suspect this case involved something a bit
more . . . uhm . . ."
Mulder: "Freakish? You really shouldn't complain about banality, Scully.
When your main suspect is the human Blockhead . . ." ---
(After Mulder lands on a bed on nails)
Scully: "Mulder, are you alright?"
Mulder: "It's more comfortable than a futon . . ." ---
Dr. Blockhead: "I don't answer any
questions until I talk to my lawyer."
Scully: "Who's your lawyer?"
Dr. Blockhead: "I represent myself." ---
Blockhead: "Can you imagine looking
like *him* [Mulder] for the rest of your life?" ---
Sheriff: "Now you're sure it was the
twin running around here? Now maybe it was the Fiji Mermaid, he jumped
back in the river and swum his way back to Fiji . . ."
Mulder: (To Scully) "Now you know how I feel." ---
Dr Blockhead: ". . . You see, I've
seen the future, and the future looks just like him . . . [Mulder in
a classic GQ pose] Imagine, going through your whole life looking like
that. That's why it's left up to the self-made freaks like me 'n The
Conundrum to remind people . . ."
Scully: "Remind them of what?" Dr Blockhead: "Nature abhors normality.
It can't go too long without a mutant." ---
Mulder: "What's the matter with your
Dr. Blockhead: "I don't know what his problem is. Maybe it's the Florida
Scully: "Hope it's nothing serious."
Conundrum: "Probably something I ate."